“Do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For, ‘In just a little while, he who is coming will come and will not delay.” – Hebrews 10:35-37 (NIV)
I am unashamed to say that I’m a Christian and I love God. I’m not here to preach (that’s nowhere near my calling) but I felt compelled to write this post. More so, as a written encouragement to myself, but if it encourages and strengthens someone else (Christian or otherwise), that’s great too!
I have been struggling with faith in God and faith in work. As a Christian, I believe what I’ve read in the Bible. That which is in God’s will for me to have, I will have it if I ask (my own paraphrase of Matthew 7:7). It may not come when I want it, but it will come when God destines it to (I’m from a black Baptist church, so these concepts are nothing new).However, lately, I’ve been struggling with waiting on God’s time. I have several bad traits about me, I can admit. He already knows. Two of which are the worst–impatience and control issues. I hate waiting, and I always feel the need to take things into my own hands if it’s not moving at a fast enough pace. If I feel things are out of my control, I crack. I’m going to be honest. I graduated with my degree in May, and, other than blogging, I have yet to find a full-time job. The worker bee in me HATES that. I’ve been working since I was 14, since the law allowed me to. I’ve always liked buying my own things. Partly because it made me feel good to take care of things with my own money. Partly because I don’t like when people rub what they’ve done for me in my face (it’s human nature to say things in the heat of the moment, but it annoys the hell out of me). So I’ve been working, and am used to my own money in my pockets.
Not to say I’m destitute. The money I’ve gotten from grad and the money I make blogging keep me…afloat I guess. But it’s definitely not enough for me to move out on my own like I had planned. So I had to swallow my pride after college, and go back to living at home. Which nowadays is smart. You can save up money, and make serious plans to move out. I made a promise to myself that I wasn’t moving out until I could absolutely afford and maintain having my own spot. Once I leave, I refuse to come back.
Only problem is, I’m not working full time yet, and it hurts. I’m at the biggest standstill of my life. I went from the highest point of my life at graduation to the lowest point of my life in a few short months and it hurts. It hurts to see my friends either in grad school or working, while I’m at home still searching for something, anything really, to put some dough in my pockets.
To be clear, I started looking for jobs before I even graduated. I knew by the start of my junior year that grad school wasn’t for me, though just about everyone in my life keeps trying to encourage me to go back. No matter how many times I try to explain it, people don’t get that that’s not my path. My goal in life is to be a FULL-TIME ENTERTAINMENT WRITER/BLOGGER like I’m doing. I don’t need an extra two years in school for that…I need experience, which is what I’ve been seriously (I have two separate resumes–one for administrative work and another for entertainment writing gigs that come along. I was actually quite impressed with myself when I finished the latter). Not judging anybody else’s decision to go, but I know that, for me, it would just be avoiding stepping out into the REAL real world, and I was sick of being in school by the end of my sophomore year. Plus, it would just be more loans to take out. Which I can’t deal with because Uncle Sam is already walking down my street planning to collect the money that he owes me now!
Yeah, I’ve had a few interviews, but nothing ever seriously panned out for me. At first, I was okay with it. It was summer so I was applying for different things, but still enjoying life. I was still on the high from graduation. Not to say that my job search wasn’t my top priority, but I didn’t think much of it when jobs didn’t call back. I had the end goal of getting something beginning of September.
August came, and I started getting really antsy, and quite frankly, upset. Again, I was seeing my friends and others that I graduated with getting jobs, moving away, doing something with their lives. I became borderline borderline depressed after a while, even having a huge breakdown one weekend (long story, but people in my life have the habit of sometimes saying the WRONG things at the absolute WORST times).
About a month and a half ago, it was Worship Day at my church, where we celebrate all of the choirs and other ministries in the arts that we have at The New Macedonia Baptist Church. (If you’re ever in the DC area, check us out!). We had a guest preacher, Pastor Guy Robinson, who actually was our Pastor of Worship before leaving to take over another church. And he preached a powerful word! I kind of wished I had taken some notes, but I was caught up in emotion.
The gist of the message was about not losing your confidence in God because situations weren’t going your way. Who knows? You may be one or two “NOs” away from your YES. At the end of the day, I’ve been blessed to have many great opportunities in this life, like actually being able to graduate from college to studying in Australia to actually realizing my purpose in life. At 22, I think I’m doing pretty good! I’m not lucky. I’m truly blessed. God has done some amazing things in my life, and I should trust that He’ll take care of me in this next phase of my life.
It’s now about to be DECEMBER. That hurts me to type. However, I’m seriously motivated now. I saw Ella’s new BMW on Instagram, and thought to myself, “Damn, I wanna be like you when I grow up!” She’s only two years older than me, but she and another classmate of hers secretly have been my motivation for a while. It’s more than just about the material things. They are killing their careers, truly loving their lives, and one day, I want the exact same!
Faith is in no way easy. It’s believing in something that you can’t see. Trusting that things will happen even when maybe everything and everyone around you is telling you it won’t. I’ve been tempted to give up, but faith is keeping me going. I have great days, ok days, and downright terrible days. However, I know that I’ve come too far to just stop now. Let’s see where God takes me.
PEACE.
~Brittany
Simply B by Brittany Shawnté 